Moving on...

Dignity in death as much as in life is perhaps what we all want. How do we ensure that we die as well as we lived? Coming to terms with one's own mortality becomes easier when you see death up close everyday as a physician. We all know that as we come so must we go. What makes us fearful about death is perhaps not knowing what lies beyond but isn't that true for life as well? Do we really know what's going to happen next? You can plan and plan to be prepared for surprises.
When I see loving family members from generation one to four paying their little old grandma a visit, holding her hand and kissing her good bye; I know that even in her coma she's not that scared anymore of the inevitable and yet unknown. When they decide to make her comfortable and let us know that it was what she wanted and that she had a long and fulfilling life, I know that grandma is feeling proud of her legacy to the world; children she raised well; children who have loved her well and ensured that she passes on as effortlessly as she brought them into this world; holding her hand just as she held theirs and taught them how to walk and move on. Life comes around in a full circle. A warmth from the tears I am holding back and the ones they are shedding fills the room. We're thankful to grandma for making it easy for them; for making it is easy for us as her doctors...she must've been a brave woman to decide what she wanted her death to be like; she made her choice so we just followed. And then I can't help but wonder, how do I want to die? I get paged and the thought vanishes from my head; guess it's another thought for another day but sooner or later I'll have to decide; if I want it my way!

What is true learning?

The motivation for learning has changed. It had to. Every single thing I learn now can change someone's life including mine. The differentials, the treatment options, the management plans...it's a sense of ownership; a sense of responsibility beyond scores, ranks; the stuff that makes you want to make a difference, the stuff that makes the difference. There's so much and there's finite time. When there's no time to lose, how can I stop? Medicine is changing every moment but where are we headed? Prolonging life by the years but are we really adding quality to those years? What I learn today, will it be passé tomorrow? What I learn today, will it stand the test of time? What would I have to unlearn? What would I have to relearn because the human memory fails me? What will keep evolving, what will perish; wish there was some way of predicting.
Medicine is as much an art as a science. Let me not sacrifice art for science and let me not forget to objectify. Either way the more I practice the more I will learn and perfect my ways. Yes, some I will learn, and some I will forget but no matter what I will be a better person for I learned. A part of me will change perhaps forever; I guess that is what true learning is all about. Changing and learning how to change and how to be that change. Perturbing as it might be, making my peace and anticipating that my sense of peace will change too. And knowing well that I am not alone in this process, I can't be more thankful to those from whom I learn; my patients, my teachers, my books and lives...mine and that of so many others!